Realization

(from 'the early years'...)

Realization

I thought
That love's water had washed over me
Startling sparkling liquid diamonds ascending
Over me with you
I submerged myself
My body - aching with the pain
Of breath denied and pounding heart
Burst
Scattering me among the stars
White-lighted oneness with the universe, simultaneously universal.

Ah... but for realization
Greetings solitude, my illusive bedfellow
The embodiment of my imaginings
Encased in the fatigue of one who held to the concrete.

You knew of no sparkling fountain, you had never seen the intangible.

My fact-shocked body plummeted through the unstarred blackness
Plunged into nonexistent waters
Falling (always falling) towards the bottom
Of the bottomless stagnant liquid grave.

That's all right
It doesn't hurt
No strings attached, remember?

No life, no way of avoiding the
Sudden crash-stop contact with the unbottom
Beside a discarded hermit crab shell
I forced myself inside
Drew my knees up to my chest,
Pressed my hands to my ears,
Rocking - side to side,
Trying to escape
The laughter
Which scorned all delusion
Shrill and bitter
Sound waves rippling
The unreachable surface of
The stinking water.

Laughter which exploded into hysteria
With the discovery of my
Pitifully trembling hiding place
The HUSH
Shrillness, silenced,
Slinking and shrinking from the sight
Of its source
The searcher and the searched
The observer and the tormented
Melting into one...

And I rose
Finally breaking through
The stench
Of ocean self-pity.

It's you who is drowning
Not me
I'm free
To deny gravity and soar.